In a city such as Louisville, where fun is seemingly around every corner, waiting to jump out and surprise you with a wine spritzer and an invitation to a puppy fashion show, it may seem hard to find a place where one can go to sulk. “Surely,” you may think to yourself, “in a city so entertaining, not having fun must be a privilege, a thing only available to the ridiculously wealthy.“
Not so, my friend. There are plenty of places to go in Louisville where not-fun can be readily had for absolutely nothing! The following is a list of the places you can go in Louisville to have zero fun whatsoever and not spend a dime. Take heed, friends, and remember: Depression is so much better when it’s free!
1. Visit the AEGON Center
Standing a towering 549 feet tall, this distinctive domed skyscraper is the tallest building in the Louisville skyline. Riding the elevator all the way up to the top floor affords one the chance to see a beautiful 360-degree panoramic view of downtown Louisville. Unfortunately, this top floor is a private conference center for the AEGON life insurance group and offers no public viewing deck. Enjoy that 35-story ride back down to reality, asshole!
2. Take a swim
There’s nothing like a cool dip in the water to bring fun to a hot summer day. But what about swimmers looking to have not-fun? I have two words for you: Ohio River. Easily accessible from all along the Louisville waterfront, a swim in the Ohio River offers all sorts of exciting possibilities, none of them fun in the least bit, including: Floating garbage and debris! Motorboat and barge traffic! Mutant catfish bites! E. Coli! Make sure to wear plenty of sunscreen to keep that flat, pale sheen you’re going for.
3. Donate plasma
Ever want to just have the life sucked right out of you, literally? There’s no better way to do that for free than donating plasma! A visit to CSL Plasma, located at the intersection of 15th st. and Jefferson st. will give you the opportunity to sit for a few hours and do nothing while essential life-giving fluids are removed from your body.
Bonus: As one reviewer on Google put it, CSL “pays the lowest compensation of any plasma bank I have seen in Louisville.” Double Bonus: If you’re white, welcome to the West Side!
4. Public Parks
Louisville features some of the most scenic park-itechture in the world, but you don’t want any of that. For a guaranteed not-fun time, take a stroll through Germantown’s scenic Gnadinger park, Louisville’s smallest park. At 1/10th of an acre, Gnadinger park offers just enough room to pace back and forth by yourself without the threat of encountering any other people-the park simply can’t hold more than one person at a time. If you get tired, feel free to rest in the shade of the Gnadinger park tree. If you get lucky, maybe when you wake up from your nap, life will have pulled a Rip Van Winkle on you and you’ll be eighty years old. Here’s hoping, you old soul!
5. Fourth Street Live without money
Fourth Street Live is one of the most popular destinations in Louisville for the city’s idle rich to wile away the hours spending ridiculous sums of money and preening for each other. The steep cover charges and overpriced drink “specials” ensure that to have a good time, a pocketful of cash is a must-have. It follows, then, that for a definite not-fun time, all one has to do is head on down to fourth street with no money whatsoever. Think of it! It combines all the fun of standing in the middle of the street with the thrill of repeatedly being bumped into and told “Watch it jerk!” by some of the city’s best and douchiest- Oh, bittersweet irony!
6. Cave Hill Cemetery
Louisville’s beautiful Cave Hill Cemetery is the final resting place of many of the region’s most well known luminaries, including city founder George Rogers Clark and Colonel Harlan Sanders, the creator of KFC. A moment of solitary reflection amongst the towering trees and stoic tombstones is enough to remind one of the constant struggle between life and death, and of the fact that even if you make millions of dollars by creating the most famous chicken recipe in the entire world, you’re still gonna end up a flat-broke skeleton. Hey, you’re already halfway there!
7. Walking tour of Historic Fern Creek
Historic downtown Fern Creek is a wonder of depressingly modern architecture. Revel in the glory of such marvels as the distinctively early-90’s shack-styled Bearno’s pizza, juxtaposed with the nearby neo-trashic columns of The Bow Tie Car Wash. Also, be sure to visit the glorious new Dairy Queen, as well as Check Land Check Cashing, affectionately referred to by the locals as “The old Dairy Queen.”
8. Hit your head against a brick wall
Old Louisville is one of the largest districts of Victorian-style architecture in the country. These imposing, impressive homes were built in a time when the foundations were sturdier, the bricks were harder, and the columns were more phallic. So go ahead- if you really just want to bang your head against the wall in frustration, at least head over to Old Louisville and get more bang for your (lack of) buck.
9. Outdoor concerts
On most weekend nights, the Highlands are alive with the hustle and bustle of people looking for a good time. Street musicians come out in full force to display their talents in exchange for a little bit of spare change. This, my friend, is the perfect opportunity to break out your Casio boombox for the debut of your one man guerilla musical about how “9/11 was definitely an inside job, like, for real.” If you’re lucky, you’ll make a little scratch, and if you’re unlucky, someone will spit in your face. It’s a win-win situation!
10. Get a job
If you’re searching for a list like this, chance are you’re broke and kinda need something to fill the dead hours in your life. Why not get a job? Strut up and down our humble streets, scoping out now hiring signs. Hey, you’re reading this on a website- that means you have access to the internet. Why not mosey on over to craiglist? I guarantee you, it doesn’t cost a thing to have a job. Hell, you may even make some money, and it’s easily the most not-fun you will have in Louisville!