How To Be A Proper Man: A Letter to Myself at Age 28

Dear Self,

Now that you’ve reached the age of 28, it’s time you become a proper adult man. Sure, you may drive a Buick, but it’s high time you grew into it.

1. Start being ruder to servers at restaurants. Impatience and feelings of entitlement will surely make coarse hair spring out of your knuckles. Remember, Chris – when you go out to eat you deserve nothing less than perfection. Don’t take “Sorry I’m not able to read your mind” for an answer.

2. More denim. Much more. Invent denim socks, then wear those socks. Tuck in denim shirts into denim pants. You’ll sound like a proud flag whipping in the wind when you make any moves at all. (Your new name is Brian Denim-he.)

3. Stomp louder when walking around your own house. This will let snakes and other such stinkers know you’re coming; and give them fair warning to get out of your way. Also, if your roommate wakes you up, make it a point to try out your new stomp in a poorly-fitting pair of white briefs, complete with rumple-butt drapings. Breathe heavily while rubbing belly. Rinse mouth with Listerine, stomp back to bed.

4. Insist on putting Mrs. Dash seasoning on everything. Remember, Mrs. Dash is a part of the family and deserves to be invited to every meal. It’s Mrs. Dash, not “Mistress” Dash. A real man doesn’t think before he spices something up; he just assaults it with Mrs. Dash.

5. Start liking sports. Be able to instantly categorize any slam dunk you see. Don’t hesitate. And yell it out so everybody knows. Soon you’ll see me yelling, “Boom! Tomahawk jam!” at TV screens in public places. You’ll want to shake my hand; I may bump it instead, we’ll see. When people ask you if you’re a UofL or a UK fan, just choose one and go with it. No one wants to hear the truth, which is, “Who cares?”

6. Stop admitting weaknesses. Whenever you feel the urge to expose any vulnerability to someone, instead brag about the time you bobbed for wings in a barrel of barbecue sauce. No one gets tired of that story. It’s very flattering.

7. Stop running through sprinklers. It’s just not manly. Walk slowly into the spray, do not flinch, make a phone call while you’re standing there. Call someone important.

8. Douse yourself with more of those masculine chemicals. You should really be leaving behind potent cologne ghosts when you leave a room. Ten minutes after you’ve left the party, people will be left smelling the air with tears in their eyes, saying, “Remember Chris? (deep nose breath) Gah, I wish he’d come back.”

9. Start making most women uncomfortable. You should be telling more jokes that make them feel left out. Also, when they speak, pretend to listen while you plan your next diatribe. They like that.

10. Blast Steve Winwood in the car while slapping the headrest of your passenger. They won’t mind as long as you keep the rhythm interesting. And yes, I mean “Higher Love”. Is there another?

About Chris Vititoe

Chris, a.k.a. “Tony Robot”, from the Louisville band Ultra Pulzerize, is also a writer, comedian, and private dancer (dancing for money). When he's not sleeping, he blogs at glassclown.tumblr.com.

More Posts (1)