Having been a regular player within the Louisville comedy scene for many, many years, I can easily say that the most common statement that runs through almost every comedians’ arsenal of material, is the phrase, “I am single”.
I say this myself plenty of times on stage, to the delight of many who fear the idea of me reproducing, but as it turns out, it’s not just comedians who aren’t feeling the love. Louisville may be for Lovers, but if you’re single, you might want to keep that bottle of K-Y and a box of tissues handy, because in a national survey, our beloved city was rated as being the 5th worst city for dating in America.
I couldn’t understand how this could be. The U.S. Census Bureau reports that the city of Louisville has an estimated 8.38% greater population of females as compared to males, so you figure that the scales, in terms of dating, would be tipped highly in the favor of guys in this city – not to mention we also have a vast array of bars and clubs that all stay open until 4am, but it seems that despite our big city nightlife, ‘getting lucky in Kentucky’ is not as easy as one would expect.
So, what’s the problem?
Well, let’s start by examining what’s out there – because that’s what most women are curious about. Maybe the problem is that we’re not leading with our best foot forward; I can only speak from my own experience in the dating pool, and those experiences have even affected me on a political level, especially when it comes to our healthcare system.
Why am I suddenly talking about healthcare? Because bitches in this city are crazy! I remember a date I went on years ago, where this girl talked to me over dinner about having been in a satanic cult and about how she had attempted to kill her own mother. Needless to say, that date was over before I could say, “waiter, check please”. I had also been with another girl who overdosed herself on OTC medications and threatened to burn herself alive because I wanted to break up with her. Another suffered from chronic bouts with depression, anxiety and OCD.
In my youth, I would’ve found a mentally unstable population of females a turn-on. But are we men to blame? If anybody should take responsibility for our women being sick, it should be us – because we’re failing to exercise being open and honest about our intentions. We males have a prerogative; it can’t be denied that men are sexually motivated beings; I mean, we go bust our asses working these crappy jobs we hate, we buy the expensive brand name clothing and shoes – we even give females our full, undivided attention when they talk about their cats, and only expect in return that the female indulge our sexual ego. This is where people get hurt, because we are not effectively communicating this to each other. Imagine what an Eden-like hot-bed the dating scene could be if we just came right out with it and didn’t beat around the bush, so to speak.
Maybe our dating stats are poor because “dating” just isn’t fun. I look back at my own dating life and can only think of one instance where I can truly say that I and my date actually had a good time, and no, there actually was no nudity involved on that particular night. How rare is it to actually be on a date and to actually enjoy it? I’m not a heavy dater myself, but I do have friends who have spent just as much time dating as I have doing stand-up (they’ve actually made more of a career out of it too) and to hear them ever say about a date that, “it was fun”, is about as rare as a body not being found floating in the Ohio after Thunder Over Louisville.
So, how do we make dating more fun?
First of all, quit trying to impress her – she already said ‘yes’ to going out with your goofy-ass; that’s the hardest part and if she’s out with you, then that’s half the battle. Second, you asked her out, so have your game plan ready. There’s so much to do in this city and we really don’t appreciate all that is around:
Romantic walks down by Waterfront Park, night cruises on the Belle of Louisville, fine (yet, affordable) dining in the Highlands, night racing at Churchill Downs, live theater at Actor’s Theater and KY Center for the Arts, two comedy clubs (featuring some of the funniest guys and gals in the city), and the nightlife of 4th St. Live. And third, spend some damn money! Give her a night to remember, and she just might do the same for you – and you’ll be helping the local economy too.
Lastly, I’ve spent enough time in Shively to know just how many baby-mommas we have running around these days; the Price is Right is always so concerned about controlling the pet population, but we humans seem careless in controlling our own. If the end of your date does result with some sexual activity, wrap it up guys – no reason that 8 minutes should tie you to one person for 18 stressful years – and ladies, if he’s not wrapping it up, then you better be barren.