What makes ME think that I can teach YOU about swagger? Let’s just say that I got my mom pregnant on the way out of her. How is that biologically possible you ask? If you have you ask, you just won’t understand swag. You know that feeling in your mouth just after you brush your teeth and take a drink of cold water—I’m that, but for the waist down. You may feel like you’re getting raped by a poltergeist. Ah… but what have you actually done to prove your massive exploits you ask? I’m the reason that the age of consent is 18. It has nothing to do...

Dear Self, Now that you’ve reached the age of 28, it’s time you become a proper adult man. Sure, you may drive a Buick, but it’s high time you grew into it. 1. Start being ruder to servers at restaurants. Impatience and feelings of entitlement will surely make coarse hair spring out of your knuckles. Remember, Chris - when you go out to eat you deserve nothing less than perfection. Don’t take “Sorry I’m not able to read your mind” for an answer. 2. More denim. Much more. Invent denim socks, then wear those socks. Tuck in denim shirts into...

It is time once again for every family to make their pilgrimage into the farmlands of America to pick their fall pumpkin. I have no idea how this tradition was started but I am sure it has some kind of interesting history. I am convinced that someday one of these pumpkins farms will make a video about it and force me to watch it before entering the farm. Going to a farm is the kickoff to the three month holiday season and in many ways sets the tone for how well Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years will go. With the pumpkin picking raised to such a high...

As a life-long science fiction nerd, I almost feel embarrassed to admit that I only started watching “Doctor Who” two years ago. For those who are unfamiliar with the show, it is a BBC series that holds world records for the longest lasting and most successful science fiction show of all time. The series follows the adventures of a man known as “The Doctor”, who comes from an alien race called Time Lords. In his space traveling time machine, the Tardis, he travels with his companions to numerous destinations throughout time, solving mysteries, and...

I'm running - I keep finding places to hide out and catch my breath, but they eventually catch up with me. A group of zombies invades and sends us running for our lives; they may be slow moving, but they're as crafty as any predator, like Fannie Mae. Just when I am backed into a corner, and I have nowhere else to run, I wake up. It wasn't the first time I had had this dream - not the second time either. Master horror-film director, Wes Craven, once said that he based his idea for “A Nightmare on Elm Street” on a series of newspaper articles following...

Let me start out by saying, I am not a real estate agent - I just train them. I’m the guy real estate brokers call when their agents need “special” training. I imagine right before they call me, they’re sitting around a conference table and somebody says, “It’s time to call someone who’s not afraid to tell these agents what they need to hear; someone who hasn’t been corrupted by our politics. It’s time to call Street Russell.” Then, someone says, “A rogue?!” And then the other guy says, “No, a hero.” That’s when they call me and I...

You are getting prepared for your first festival experience and the anticipation of the unknown is making you anxious. Relax, all you really need at a music festival is some cash and your ticket. Once you have secured these two items you may need a little advice to help make your festival a memorable one. As a veteran of music festivals I am here to give you my 5 simple rules to follow if you are going to avoid any traumatizing situations. 1. Shit immediately When the moment arrives for you to ex-sponge the greasy waste that has been slipping through...