Recent Articles
The Swagger Coach’s Guide To Dating
What makes ME think that I can teach YOU about swagger? Let’s just say that I got my mom pregnant on the way out of her. How is that biologically possible you ask? If you have you ask, you just won’t understand swag. You know that feeling in your mouth just after you brush your teeth and take a drink of cold water—I’m that, but for the waist down. You may feel like you’re getting raped by a poltergeist. Ah… but what have you actually done to prove your massive exploits you ask? I’m the reason that the age of consent is 18. It has nothing to do...
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The Guide To Election TV Commercial Bullshit
It’s not 2012 yet, but things are already heating up in lots of jurisdictions around the country with local or state elections. Here in Louisville we get to see the Gubernatorial race along with several others. The commercials are already hitting the airwaves, and they’re as full of crap as ever. What follows is my handy guide to what I affectionately refer to as “Campaign Bullshit”. It’s not so scary that people run these commercials, but the fact that people seem to respond to them is terrifying. I’ve done my best to find the best examples for...
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How To Be A Proper Man: A Letter to Myself at Age 28
Dear Self, Now that you’ve reached the age of 28, it’s time you become a proper adult man. Sure, you may drive a Buick, but it’s high time you grew into it. 1. Start being ruder to servers at restaurants. Impatience and feelings of entitlement will surely make coarse hair spring out of your knuckles. Remember, Chris - when you go out to eat you deserve nothing less than perfection. Don’t take “Sorry I’m not able to read your mind” for an answer. 2. More denim. Much more. Invent denim socks, then wear those socks. Tuck in denim shirts into...
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10 Least Fun Things To Do In Louisville For Free
In a city such as Louisville, where fun is seemingly around every corner, waiting to jump out and surprise you with a wine spritzer and an invitation to a puppy fashion show, it may seem hard to find a place where one can go to sulk. “Surely,” you may think to yourself, “in a city so entertaining, not having fun must be a privilege, a thing only available to the ridiculously wealthy.“ Not so, my friend. There are plenty of places to go in Louisville where not-fun can be readily had for absolutely nothing! The following is a list of the places you can...
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An Open Letter To Barack Obama
Dear Mr. Obama, I would like to begin by belatedly congratulating you on becoming the very first black President of the United States of America. You’ve been upon a long and arduous journey to attempt to bring our nation out from depths of despair the likes of which unseen for generations. It is a burden more complex and insurmountable than I could ever imagine. I’m sure by now you probably are starting to figure out. Almost immediately upon your election you drew comparisons to the man who is almost universally regarded as the greatest president in...
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8 Pumpkin Picking Tips For Parents
It is time once again for every family to make their pilgrimage into the farmlands of America to pick their fall pumpkin. I have no idea how this tradition was started but I am sure it has some kind of interesting history. I am convinced that someday one of these pumpkins farms will make a video about it and force me to watch it before entering the farm. Going to a farm is the kickoff to the three month holiday season and in many ways sets the tone for how well Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years will go. With the pumpkin picking raised to such a high...
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Here’s A Fact – No One Cares About Your Birthday
I celebrated my birthday recently. As someone that has done this twenty-six times in my life, I have come to find that the older I get, the less people seem to give a shit about my birthday. Sure, I still get flooded with birthday wishes on my Facebook wall from a bunch of people that wouldn’t recognize me if I was the person that delivered them pizza, but that isn’t the same type of birthday recognition I received when I was younger. I can’t remember my very first birthday, but there are tons of pictures to remind me that I used to be a pretty big...
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